Lately

Lately I have been under lots of pressure on every side. And most of the time, I sink into thoughts of failure and the realization that I am not good enough, that I will never measure up. Family, friends, society its everywhere. Its on days like these that I have a hard time accepting my worth in Christ. When the pressures of this world get to me, I hear Satan himself whispering, "You are not worth it. You'll never be happy." and worst of all, "You are a failure, and you'll never amount to anything."

And if truth be told, that is the worst thing I want to hear. All my life, I have always strived for best. I have tried to be the perfect obedient daughter. Not that this is bad, after all, we are to obey our parents.  I have strived for perfection especially in terms of academics. Even after moving to a new country, I tried to keep up with the rest of the kids that are in the United States. And to be honest, many times I find my worth in my achievements. And even to this day, I sometime think that my family and friends value me for how well I do in school.

Although I have been a Christian for many years, it is hard to let go of this performance mindset. It is hard to realize that Jesus loves me in spite of myself. "Can I show you how many verses I have memorized? How many people I have helped. I prayed for an hour today. Aren't You proud of me God? Don't You love me now?" 


Some days, it seems as though Satan's whispers overpower the gentle cry of the Lamb of God.

But Jesus died for me. 2000 years ago. Before I could speak, before I was born. Before I could do anything to make Him proud of me, He proved to me my worth. He died for me - to take upon Himself my punishment - even when I was His enemy, He loved me.

He loves me. not because I get A's. not because I got into a good school. not because I have a great career. He loves me, just because I am His.

I am driven to my knees on days like today. on my knees, I find myself at the cross. at the safest and most secure place.

Have been reading a lot lately, to give me hope for my soul.

Here's a little gem I found:

In You therefore, O Lord God, I place all my hope and my refuge. On you I cast all my troubles and anguish, because whatever I have outside of You I find to be weak and unstable. It will not serve me to have many friends, nor will powerful helpers be able to assist me, nor prudent advisers to give useful answers, nor the books of learned men to console, nor any precious substance to win my freedom, nor any place, secret and beautiful though it be, to shelter me, if You Yourself do not assist, comfort, console, instruct, and guard me. For all things which seem to be for our peace and happiness are nothing when You are absent, and truly confer no peace. 

- Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

Good to know who I can and should trust, the true God who knows my past, my present, and my future. 

Catharsis - on Rising Again

Source

Well I keep on coming to this place

That I don't know quite how to face

So I lay down my life in hopes to die

That somehow I might rise

- Shawn Mcdonald, Rise

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. ²⁵ He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

- John 12:24,25

Also Read: http://www.saritahartz.com/2011/08/surrender.html

Read it, it's so worth it. 

What do I say now?
This has been a very interesting summer to say the least.

Studying for a ridiculous(ly hard) exam. Trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. Teaching lovely little children who cannot pay attention for a bit. Learning to speak up for myself though it is quite hard to do as an introvert. Trying to speak in funny Britsh accents. Meeting new friends and catching up with old ones. Bragging on my King of Glory to some. Loving on my Demidog.

And then there's the hard stuff of growing up:
Where and when do you defy your parents when you know it is the right thing to do? And how can obeying God's will go against obeying your parents, and how, tell me how do I deal with it all?

This is all to say that life is sometimes (at most times) just messy and no cliche statement I can think of will cover it all.

Tragedies are everywhere. Just look at the news. Amidst the rave over Olympics, we hear news of crime from Aurora, Wisconsin, and even Joplin MO.

And though the wrong seems oft so strong, I know one thing, God is the ruler yet. And He is a good God. Sometimes that is all I know, that is all i can trust in.