the superhero syndrome

when I was little, I always wanted to be a superhero. heck, I still want to be one. I have always wondered why I, and in a broad sense, we, are so drawn to these mysterious, vigilante characters? why do we flock to see their movies, and relish the cartoons of old?

In some level, i think identify a lot with the superheroes. we see ourselves in them, in their struggles to fight the evil within and outside of them.

           we all have masks to wear.

and we all have secrets to hide and people to protect.

the thing is we're more like the superheroes that we adore than we realize. that isn't necessarily a bad thing at all. it's good to identify ourselves with someone, and have solidarity with others due to this identification.

not the most meaningful post, just a bunch of rambling about some of my favorite superheroes and such. maybe i'll do a part 2 to this post as well...

on Reckless Abandon

"On the way home yesterday morning I took a long walk and came to a decision which I know is of the Lord.  In all honesty before the Lord I say that no one or nothing beyond Himself and the Word has any bearing upon what I've decided to do. I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it. Maybe He'll send me someplace where name of Jesus Christ is unknown. Jim, I'm taking the Lord at His word, and I'm trusting Him to prove His Word. It's kind of like putting all your eggs in one basket, but we've already put our trust in him for salvation,so why not do it as far as our life is concerned? If there's nothing to this business of eternal life, we might as well lose everything one crack and throw our present life away with our life hereafter.  But if there is something to it, then everything else the Lord says must hold true likewise. Pray for me, Jim."

- Ed McCully*

Ed McCully quit law school and became a missionary in Ecuador. On January 1956, McCully, along with his fellow missionary friends, Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Pete Fleming, and Roger Youderian, were killed by the Auca Indian tribe. God has used their lives and their deaths to further His Kingdom. 

*Through Gates of Splendor, Elisabeth Elliot

music: andrew peterson

Music, like art and writing,  is both personal and communal. It lets us know we are not alone. I am glad for that. 
Song: Andrew Peterson, Don't you want to thank someone

Don't you ever wonder why 
In spite of all that's wrong here 
There's still so much that goes so right 
And beauty abounds? 

'Cause sometimes when you walk outside 
The air is full of song here 
The thunder rolls and the baby sighs 
And the rain comes down 

And when you see the spring has come 
And it warms you like a mother's kiss 
Don't you want to thank someone? 
Don't you want to thank someone for this? 

I used to be a little boy 
As golden as a sunrise 
Breaking over Illinois 
When the corn was tall 

Yeah, but every little boy grows up 
And he's haunted by the heart that died 
Longing for the world that was 
Before the Fall 

...

Maybe it's a better thing 
A better thing 

To be more than merely innocent 
But to be broken then redeemed by love 

grace

I need more grace today. 
Just a bit more grace to get through the day. 

When the going gets tough, 
the tough get going. 

But I am not tough. 
No, no, you see, 
I am a coward.  

So I just need more grace
A bit more grace to get through the day. 

Grace to forgive.
Grace to live
Grace to love You as much as You love me. 

Grace. 
More grace for today. 

Confessions

I tried all I could
to make you proud.
I gave up more than I should
to be good enough for you.

But it's never gonna be good enough.
And I am never gonna make you proud.

It is harder than it looks
to fight the struggles I have faced.
To overcome these trials
it takes more than I could give.

But it's never gonna be good enough.
And I am never gonna make you proud.

But He love me so.
And His grace will always be enough.

And my striving stops,
At the sight of Him
Who will always be enough.

a love letter to my Savior

Thank You dear Jesus for believing me and my crazy, stupid dreams.

Thank You that You had a ridiculous dream for me, to save me from myself and my pride, and for making that dream come true.

Thank You that You made the impossible possible.

Thank you for understanding me for all my faults, and loving me in spite of them.

Thank You for not laughing at me when I tell You all my thoughts, and for taking me seriously.

I love You.

the Best of times and the Worst of times

A couple of days ago, I was reading in 2 Corinthians, and found this little treasure:

"That in a great TRIAL of AFFLICTION, the ABUNDANCE of their JOY and their DEEP POVERTY abounded in the RICHES of their LIBERALITY (2 Cor. 8:2)."

It has been a rough couple of weeks, or rather, a rough month in general. The pressures of reality crowded my thoughts, and I had no peace for a long time. My only hope, my solace was the Lord. He always is. And I still don't have anything together. Nothing fixed, nothing solved. Just me, broken. I try anything to get out of my pain. I use entertainment to keep my mind busy, so as to not face reality.

But I read this verse the other day, and it reminded me that God loves to use us when we are feeling rather useless. In times of our deepest poverty, He gives us the riches of liberality to pour out onto others. This verse is oxymoronic, much like the rest of the New Testament. Things we do not think should go together like joy and trial, poverty and riches, are all put together to make up this lovely verse.

This God of ours, He is pretty great isn't He? He doesn't think like we do, no. Instead, He has this whole new way of thinking. The upside-down kingdom, as some call it. The things that men count as worthy are nothing in the kingdom of God. So, rejoice my soul. Bless Him. Even our deepest poverty, can turn into an abundance of joy.

Many times Satan whispers,
"There is no need to try;
For there's no end of sorrow,
There's no hope by and by";
But I know Thou art with me,
And tomorrow I'll rise;
Where the storms never darken the skies.

'Til the storm passes over,
'Til the thunder sounds no more;
'Til the clouds roll forever from the sky,
Hold me fast, let me stand,
In the hollow of Thy hand;
Keep me safe 'til the storm passes by.

When the long night has ended,
And the storms come no more,
Let me stand in Thy presence.
On that bright, peaceful shore.
In that land where the tempest
Never comes, Lord may I

- Till the storm passes by, Mosie Lister

i wonder sometimes how you are going to fix it all. you know, this world you created? these people who are hurting? do you care? what can YOU do? what will You do with us all?

Or is this life completely meaningless as some suggest? Evolution made you, they say. Your life has no meaning. Only the fittest survive, so become the fittest, and make sure your genes pass on. 

Is this all there is? Purposeless evolution? Do you care, about me, about my friends who are hurting? 
About those children? Or, are You blind to our cries? How are you going to fix it all? Because the world seems so big, the problems too many, that You can't fix it all. 

But that's not true. You are God, the omnipotent, omniscient one. But why should You care? for if You willed, You can create others, who would willingly obey and follow You, unlike us, depraved, sinful, and disobedient. 

So there You are in heaven, looking down at us, why do You care, for the little ones, for the weak ones - that the world do not take note of, why should You care?

O Lord, our Lord, 

How excellent is Your name in all the earth,

Who have set Your glory above all the heavens! 

Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants

You have ordained strength, 

Because of Your enemies,

That You may silence the enemy and the avenger

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, 

The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

What is man that You are mindful of him, 

And the son of man that You visit Him?

Psalm 8: 1-4

Lately

Lately I have been under lots of pressure on every side. And most of the time, I sink into thoughts of failure and the realization that I am not good enough, that I will never measure up. Family, friends, society its everywhere. Its on days like these that I have a hard time accepting my worth in Christ. When the pressures of this world get to me, I hear Satan himself whispering, "You are not worth it. You'll never be happy." and worst of all, "You are a failure, and you'll never amount to anything."

And if truth be told, that is the worst thing I want to hear. All my life, I have always strived for best. I have tried to be the perfect obedient daughter. Not that this is bad, after all, we are to obey our parents.  I have strived for perfection especially in terms of academics. Even after moving to a new country, I tried to keep up with the rest of the kids that are in the United States. And to be honest, many times I find my worth in my achievements. And even to this day, I sometime think that my family and friends value me for how well I do in school.

Although I have been a Christian for many years, it is hard to let go of this performance mindset. It is hard to realize that Jesus loves me in spite of myself. "Can I show you how many verses I have memorized? How many people I have helped. I prayed for an hour today. Aren't You proud of me God? Don't You love me now?" 


Some days, it seems as though Satan's whispers overpower the gentle cry of the Lamb of God.

But Jesus died for me. 2000 years ago. Before I could speak, before I was born. Before I could do anything to make Him proud of me, He proved to me my worth. He died for me - to take upon Himself my punishment - even when I was His enemy, He loved me.

He loves me. not because I get A's. not because I got into a good school. not because I have a great career. He loves me, just because I am His.

I am driven to my knees on days like today. on my knees, I find myself at the cross. at the safest and most secure place.

Have been reading a lot lately, to give me hope for my soul.

Here's a little gem I found:

In You therefore, O Lord God, I place all my hope and my refuge. On you I cast all my troubles and anguish, because whatever I have outside of You I find to be weak and unstable. It will not serve me to have many friends, nor will powerful helpers be able to assist me, nor prudent advisers to give useful answers, nor the books of learned men to console, nor any precious substance to win my freedom, nor any place, secret and beautiful though it be, to shelter me, if You Yourself do not assist, comfort, console, instruct, and guard me. For all things which seem to be for our peace and happiness are nothing when You are absent, and truly confer no peace. 

- Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

Good to know who I can and should trust, the true God who knows my past, my present, and my future. 

Catharsis - on Rising Again

Source

Well I keep on coming to this place

That I don't know quite how to face

So I lay down my life in hopes to die

That somehow I might rise

- Shawn Mcdonald, Rise

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. ²⁵ He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

- John 12:24,25

Also Read: http://www.saritahartz.com/2011/08/surrender.html

Read it, it's so worth it. 

What do I say now?
This has been a very interesting summer to say the least.

Studying for a ridiculous(ly hard) exam. Trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. Teaching lovely little children who cannot pay attention for a bit. Learning to speak up for myself though it is quite hard to do as an introvert. Trying to speak in funny Britsh accents. Meeting new friends and catching up with old ones. Bragging on my King of Glory to some. Loving on my Demidog.

And then there's the hard stuff of growing up:
Where and when do you defy your parents when you know it is the right thing to do? And how can obeying God's will go against obeying your parents, and how, tell me how do I deal with it all?

This is all to say that life is sometimes (at most times) just messy and no cliche statement I can think of will cover it all.

Tragedies are everywhere. Just look at the news. Amidst the rave over Olympics, we hear news of crime from Aurora, Wisconsin, and even Joplin MO.

And though the wrong seems oft so strong, I know one thing, God is the ruler yet. And He is a good God. Sometimes that is all I know, that is all i can trust in.

"Aah.. life is good."

says my dog, smiling her face off. 

She had a sad weekend. We were out of town for a couple of days, and she had to stay at the vet's office on those days. When we got back, she was beyond excited. 

Today after i got home from volunteering, she has not left my side. She gave me sweet kisses and proceeded to lay down next to me. It was wonderful. 

Ahh.. life is good.

It is Christ

Source

Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee - it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee - it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument - it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. 
- Charles H. Spurgeon

I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.  Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.  I am, among all men, most richly blessed. ~The Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier

What a dangerous prayer!

on Laughter

Sarah and Abraham were wanting children. Let's start reading at Genesis 18:11-15.

       Now Abraham and Sarah were old, well advanced in age; and Sarah had passed the age of childbearing. 

            Therefore Sarah laughed within herself saying, 'After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?' 

             And the Lord said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh, saying, 'Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old? Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time, I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.'


            But Sarah denied it, saying, 'I did not laugh,' for she was afraid.


           And He said, 'No, but you did laugh!'


Much to Sarah's surprise, she did have a child.


        And Sarah said, 'God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me.'  Genesis 21:6


Guess what she named the kid? Issac,which literally means, he laughs.


>>>>>Fast forward to thousands of years after the birth of Isaac.


Pregnant Elizabeth said to Mary, the mother of Jesus, 

           For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for you. Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of things which were told her from the Lord. Luke 1: 44,45


The coming of Jesus caused even a baby in the womb to jump for joy.


Laughter is a beautiful thing. And so is joy! 

the Lord provides

Source

Kerala, India

            In my parent's home, there is a plaque on the wall, right when you walk in, and it says, the Lord provides. Today, while pondering on a difficult situation in my life, I looked up and saw the plaque, and remembered. 

When I was young

          I thought back to the time that we first got the plaque many years ago. I think we found it at a garage sale somewhere. I immigrated from India along with my family to the US 10 years ago. With little money, few possessions, no friends, and no social support, we struggled to live in this strange, new world. But the Lord has provided. Yes, he has. Although our transition to this new life was sometimes rough, He still has met all  our needs, and has provided for us through it all. 

         And He will provide once again. Though I cannot see the future, and though I cannot see my sweet Savior's face, I can believe in His provision. He has provided in the past, and He will do so to the very end - for His name's sake. 

The Lord is my Shepherd.

I shall not want. 

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness 

for His name's sake. 

~ Psalm 23: 1,2,3

on Friendship

Dear friends, 
Just so you know, you mean a lot to me. 
Your presence and friendship has encouraged me far more than you can imagine. 

This is gonna be heavy guys. But, it's the truth. Once, I thought I would never really have good friends. After a lot of bad friendships that ended in disaster, I really did believe that I was friend un-worthy. 

Then I realized something, that I may truly be friend-unworthy. That, I may have done some things/ been somethings that makes me less than friend material. That's where Jesus comes in guys. He sees everything unworthy in me, and still loves me just the same. 

Guess what that means? I can make friends, by His grace, who see all the mess in me and still love me the same. because even the perfect Son of God was willing to do that. Amen? 

Thank you also for your encouragements to be better, to be holy, to be more like Jesus. because we all know that we need more mini-Jesuses in this world, bringing glory to our Father above. 

Love you all. 

Source

In this time of waiting, 
I wanted to:
- blame God
- throw a pity party for myself, wasting my days away
- separate myself from friends and family


So dear future me, 
take note:
- Do not do the above things. 


Instead, do the opposites and then some:
- trust God - Read the psalms for encouragement
- confide in good friends and family 
- Know that its gonna be ok. 
- Be proactive, get things done.
Even if it's just doing something for 5 minutes, do it. 
        Finishing one small task will give you motivation to go on. 

Wildflowers

Source

"Nothing is too costly as a tribute to Your unrivaled love, and yet You receive with favor the smallest sincere token of affection! You receive our poor forget-me-nots and love-tokens as though they were intrinsically precious, though indeed they are but as the bunch of wild flowers that the child brings to his mother."

C.H. Spurgeon, Morning and Evening.

on sin

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about sin.

The reasoning behind it, and the consequences of it.

I realized one thing:

           sin hurts.

It hurts you. It hurts those around you.

Maybe that is one reason why God hates sin,

          Because sin hurts.

Even when we think no one else knows.

But remember,

Jesus died for our sins. For our hurts. For the hurts others have caused us. He took Father-God's wrath on our sin upon Himself. The King of Glory became as a criminal for me, for you. Oh. How He loves us.

"Upon that cross of Jesus mine eye at times can see

The very dying form of One Who suffered there for me;

And from my stricken heart with tears two wonders I confess;

The wonders of redeeming love and my unworthiness.  " 

Elizabeth Clephane, Beneath the cross of Jesus

I just found my first gray hair.
Boy, I am getting old.

on praying

It's a strange feeling when you pray for someone.
You have this sense of empathy for them.
Like you know what they are going through.
You realize you are not the only one going through this crazy, and sometimes cruel, and other times, wonderful life.
And other things that you do to waste your time, just don't cut it anymore.
Once you start praying, you realize you can truly care for more people.

Stardust?

I'm who I am

a trail of stardust 

leading to the 

Superstar. 

Thanks Lecrae, Thanks Hubble

Today, I understood that He answers prayers.
    Long story short: I prayed for something for someone else, and He answered.
Amen.

I really should stop doubting HIS goodness.
Scarcely for a righteous man, would one die. Maybe, for a good man, he would dare to die.
But God shows His love in this:
     That while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 
Romans 5:7-8

on Faith

Lately I have been reading the gospels. And I marvelled at the faith of those who came to Him:

           If only I could touch the hem of His garment.

And I wondered, where did my faith go?

Am I one of those ones Jesus called foolish, because I just don’t believe?

Growing up half my life in the United States, I have been taught the philosophy of the American Dream.

You work hard, and you can achieve it.

And in some sense, it is true. If I work hard, surely I can achieve something.

But these people, who came to Him, [whom He called blessed] came not to Him, wanting to achieve something for Him, but in their utter desperation
           He just wants to save His daughter

           She had a disease from which she could not be healed.

And all they needed was for Him to speak, even just to touch His garment. And they knew they would be healed. They knew. And they were healed.

They just came to Him. Ran towards Him, knowing that He is able, knowing that He is willing.

Do I have faith like that? Do you have faith like that?

Sometimes I think, it must be so different for them, since they were able to actually see Jesus face to face, and that made a difference in their faiths. But then I consider, my brothers and sisters throughout the world, who are persecuted daily for their faiths, and who, come to Jesus, fearing not what their enemies can do to them. They just want to hear Him speak through His Word. And they know, they are forever healed.

I want to have faith like that, dear Father. 

Doggy Love

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~Anne Landers

To know not want

The  most well beloved psalm  begins with the phrase, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. (Psalm 23)

Notice that it says, I shall not want,

Not, I shall not need.

For I will easily admit I have everything I need: food, shelter, family, education, a Savior, some good friends.

But, I have many things I still want: a plan for the future, a good job, my student loans paid off, the list goes on.

The psalmists David says,

The Lord is my Shepherd

I shall NOT WANT

Source

David was once a shepherd, before he became a king. He knew what he was talking about when he compared our Lord to the shepherd, and us to sheep. The shepherd knows his sheep, what they want and do not want. Their baaaas must ache His heart. He knows when they are thirsty, so he leads them to the right waters. He feeds them with the best grass from the greenest pastures. And when they foolishly try to run away, he uses his rod and staff to bring them safely home, and into His comforting arms.

As of now, I cannot honestly say with the psalmist that I shall not want, for as I have said before, there are many things that I want. But my desire, somewhere deep inside is to say I shall not want, because the Lord is also my shepherd. 

 I do not know how I go from wanting all of these things one day, and not wanting the next. But I am thinking that maybe it is a long process, and that sacrifices need to be made, for the Bible says, "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." (Luke 9:24) More than physical sacrifices, however, it requires me to sacrifice my desire for control over my life - that is, I need to trust my Shepherd.

If sheep could think, I imagine it is hard for them to trust the shepherd when the wolves lurk around at every corner intend on preying on the strayaways. It is equally  difficult for us to trust that God is good in a world that has gone so wrong.

But the good Shepherd laid  His life down for the sheep. God, in Jesus, gave up His life for me, as a punishment for my sins. This is where my trust begins. For of course, the wolves are there, and life is not fair. But when I know that the Shepherd will give His own life so that the sheep will be safe, I can agree that there is no want that I have that surpasses His grace and love towards me."He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things." (Romans 8:31)

Source

 So I can say, along with the psalmist and thousand others who have gone before me, that I shall not want, because the Lord is my Shepherd.